I had a dream last night.

It was an endless story based dream in which one story linked to the next and the story never stopped. I woke up with unresolved chains of mystery in mind. I wonder how it could happen. In my dream, i lost total control of everything, or it seemed. I just happened to lay back and let the story run itself. It was quite amusing to be honest.

Have you ever watched a movie where it can just end at its best but instead, it kept going on and on? You, then felt obligated to watch for the sake of your commitment. And often times, you will be entertained by its twists and turns. But after all, I believe the best movie is one that should end at its peak.

This is my final blog to say goodbye to you all. I had such an amazing ride and I am more than honored to have each and everyone of you coming here, to my little world, sharing your thoughts, giving me advice, and helping me become a better person. Imagine if the world doesn’t evaluate each person’s wealth by their finances, but their time, then all of us are winners. You are very generous in giving me so much time in this little world and together, we have made such a difference in this life. I am so thankful for your time being here.

I am a true believer in the idea of sharing. With everything you give out, you get as much of it, if not more, in return. When I wrote this blog, I had no idea it could be able to touch so many lives. Because, let’s face it, I am not the best writer, there are so many talented writers out there. However, I kept writing; something deep inside of me wanted to communicate, connect, and reach out to the world. I believe that although we are different, but we are similar in some aspects. We are humans after all. We are all God’s masterpiece of work. So when I see you, I see a part of myself within. When I read your words, I can somehow relate to your world. I write because I want you to understand I am in it with you – to fight, to share, to laugh, to cry, and to win. Life has so much lessons for us to learn. I have learned so much from you all. I have learned so much about myself. And that, is the ultimate happiness I was always looking for. This blog should end here because it has accomplished its purpose. It doesn’t end because I give up. I doesn’t end because I has nothing else to say. It ends because this part of my journey has completed. It’s like one chapter has closed, yet another chapter is yet opened. This part of my soul will always be here. It is alive. You can always come back and look for me. I am in every word which I wrote.

This blog has been publicized for a year. Since the very moment I had it, I was surprised of how many feedback and genuine concerns other writers have given me. This blog is like my first child which I, was so excited to have, yet might  have neglected to nurture well, but after all, I did the best I could to maintain it. There was never a moment of thoughtless consideration. They all come from my heart, mind, and soul. I put everything I have into every single one of them. Of course, there are some not really good ones which again are a reflection of my not-so-perfect side. We all have flaws.

I see myself as a life’s collector. I collected pieces of life and gave it a long deep thought. I then breathed life into my words and used the magic of my imagination to convey everything I have seen to you. I transferred back to the world what life has given me. Underneath every tragedy and struggle, there is a lesson to learn. I don’t waste any minute of my life to look away from all the precious messages I have gotten. And because life has unlimited streams of inspiration, I opened myself to it and made this blog my brand. I wrote about everything that inspired me, be it fashion, humor, entertaining, psychology, movies, biography, and etc.  An underline theme for this blog is self-development. So, no matter what I wrote, at the end of the day, what matters the most to me is, what I can possibly learn from it.

Writing is my therapy more so than a hobby. I took it so seriously because in the process of writing, I became more clear and receptive about my situation. I know I will miss my writing, but most of all, I will miss your writing a whole lot more. But this is not the end, it’s just a beginning.  And I know You will hope for best for me, as I do you. And I believe everything will be great for you and I because we are a true believer of life. Chin up you all, and smile at challenges. You and I will be stronger at the end of our journey, and that’s all that matters.

There is no confirmation that I will write again anytime soon. Please understand this is not an impulsive decision of mine (as usual). I have been contemplating on it for a while. There was a few times I wanted to call it quit but I knew it wasn’t the time yet. This time, once and for all, is definitely the right moment for me to stop.

People often lose themselves in the crowd but I found myself in it. In so much noise and chaos, I heard my voice and I followed its lead. My identity, the person I really am, the self-knowledge I sought came alive when I least expected . It’s so ironic because when closed myself up from people in the search for self, I lost myself. And when I just let go of myself,  and let go of all the control I seemed to hold on to, I have found me effortlessly.

Thank you for letting me be a part of your journey. Thank you for being a part of my world. Destiny let us meet and be united. We don’t often remember the time, we remember the moments. The sparks of our souls, the passion of our hearts, and the fire of our spirits existing in the moments will be alive forever. And I know I will miss you all so much. This is a long goodbye because it isn’t easy.

At heart, nothing has changed. But in this physical world, nothing remains forever.

I wish you all the best in your journeys.

And I love you so much,

This blog has officially ended.

My biggest strength of which you may think is superficial is the ability to appear happy all the time. People often relate it to the state of euphoria. I know whenever I talk/interact with them, they let go of everything else and just enjoy the moment. To me, life is a big play and you have to enjoy your role. It’s not like you have a choice. Whatever you are going through, make the best out of it. And remember to live your life to the fullest. Happy moment is hard to find.

I realize my happiness comes from the ability to cheer people up. When I can help them get a load off their shoulder, it’s like I fulfill my mission of being here. I know it sounds vain but hey, I am just doing me. In the past, I had a tendency to take on people pains internally. I thought if I did it, they would be happier with their lives. How wrong I was! Because it didn’t help at all. Worse, I lost my perspective to see the situation in a more objective light. So long story short, I knew I needed a balance. I couldn’t be so happy all the time. I also didn’t need to make me down to align with people state of mind.

I know that people are really different from me. No matter how hard I try to help them get out of their sadness, if they can’t help themselves, it’s their choice. There will be no need to beat myself up. I accept their individuality and let them be. My compassion and enthusiasm are still there, but this time, I use it in a more constructive way.

Talking about sadness, I have recently talked a few friends of mine and this time I learned something about myself. I associate the state of sadness or negativity with sickness. I didn’t realize it before but now I have seen it. When I am negative, I don’t know how to describe my feeling, let alone share with others. I just feel sick inside and I want to get “better” as soon as possible. It often lasts 3-4 days. My friends thought I have high survival instinct and I just thought it was so amusing. One of them has had issue with sadness, I think it’s more likely depression, for months or years. Now, I don’t want to be too analytical about it. I just think it’s fascinating about how unique we are from one another. To me, my “sickness” comes and goes, just like the wind. When I open myself up and interact with people, all the “sickness” I have will be gone.

The issue about loneliness is when you keep everything inside and assume no one understands you, you intensify it. True that everyone is different. But if you can break your boundary and be willing to share your heart, you break the patterns of your mind. You will realize that even though we are not the same, we are as equally special as one another. People will not think like you, but they will offer you another way to look at life.

I care deeply about people in general. In all my life, I always have hoped I could put a smile on people faces wherever I go. I know now that if I focus less on me, and share my gift with others, I fill up my cup of happiness. Life isn’t perfect, neither am I. But I feel perfect when I can get you on my ride and share the world with you through my lenses. I just want to hold you and tell you, “look it’s okay. You are just being you and I understand. You don’t need to feel isolated because the fact is, I see you in me and in you, there is me.”

So, let me be a part of your life. Let me be your shoulder and before you know it, happiness will come to you.

Alright, straight to the chain. How to create a love story like the movie Twilight!

1-You can’t have a love story like Twilight without the main characters, let’s face it. Your boyfriend shouldn’t look like any other guy but his inner vampy. When the look is achieved, it pretty much 60% completion. And I will help you help him get there.

Foundation:

The trade mark of a vampire is his heavenly pale skin. So no matter what background he has, he has to always maintain such a surreal poreless, as white as snow-white skin texture. There will be no lines, wrinkles, pimples, freckles since he is ageless, and inhuman. Maybe that’s the reason he is so contemptuous toward us. We are so flawed and aging so fast. According to the novel, Edward is 500- year-old but look at him, guys, is he even 15? Now I really want to be a vampire. Just joking. Okay, girls, you can help your boyfriend to achieve this look by the magic of make-up. You can either go high-end, or drugstore. It is totally up to you. Oh, before foundation, you should put some primer on because you want the foundation to last all day. It is such a shame if his “mask” wears off in the middle of the day. People of course will take notice and know that his fake vampy persona.

Foundation is the most important step in make-up. This is the most worth invested product since it can change your entire look. If it’s drug-store, I suggest Revlon Photo Ready because it has just a tiny bit of shimmer in it. So when he comes out to the sun, his skin will glow and when he takes photos because of the nature of this foundation, he will stand out from the rest. And remember, I don’t care whether you go for what brand, you should choose the lightest shade. Why? You don’t want to see his real skin peeking out. People often use brushes, sponges, or finger to warm up the foundation for it to look natural. DO NOT DO THAT. You don’t want him to look natural. Go dramatic! We girls usually use 1 pump for the entire face. Pour at least 4 pumps on his face and let the foundation absorb into his skin. Trust me, it will make him not look like himself and you want it.

Concealer:

Use it to conceal his imperfection, but don’t conceal his dark circles. Instead, you need them to stand out even more since vampy don’t sleep.

Power:

You can neglect this step if you want since the foundation is already thick enough to not see his real skin. But if you want the look to be more complete, go for it. Put as much as you can. Press, dab, do whatever to set the foundation.

Eye-shadow:

Apply a dark shadow underneath his lower lash line to create the illusion of a hauntingly tired, yet sultry image.

Extra:

After you’re done with his make-up, spray a bit of setting make-up spray on him to intensify the lasting power of his look the entire day.

You can also skip blush, bronzer, and lipstick. Apply a bit of lip balm, transparent mascara, touch up his eye-brows, and last but not least, put on the fangs and he’s good to go.

The way he dresses:

Anything but color. Black is the wisest choice since it will make his pale skin stand out. If he’s at school, go for black suit. If you guys hang out, go for long shapeless dress. Remember the teachers in Harry Porter? Yes, try to find a statement piece similar to that. It’s good to invest because look, he doesn’t have much choice, okay? Yea, black is the new black.

Where you hang out and what you should say to each other to have such a compelling love story.

The forest is the best choice, or the mountain, the lake etc. So he can fly (in his mind) and take you along with you. You guys should always remain close but also far, I don’t know if it makes sense. It’s like you stay together, but his mind is always in somewhere else. You should ask him to always squint his eyes as if he ponders on something deeply, even if he doesn’t. Going for some romantic lines like:

You: “Oh, A, I wonder if you are thinking about me?”

He (looking intensely at you, but you know he’s not. He may think about something supernatural or if the cat in the neighborhood sneaked into his house and ate his snack. Again, you don’t know. You can just guess): I don’t know

You (awe-struck): What do you mean you don’t know?

He (dreamily looking through you): I don’t know, baby. I am thinking when you are ready for me to bite you and we can live eternally

You (cry in happiness): Baby, it is the most beautiful thing someone has ever said to me!!!

He: I love you. I’ve been waiting for so long. We don’t have to be apart anymore. I don’t have to run away from you and give you any stupid excuses.

You: I love you too. And I don’t have to look outside from season to season. My back hurt doing that. Most of all, I don’t need to hang out with werewolves. After all, they are still animals. You are not human yourself but you are super cool.

And voila, you have yourself a very lovely memorable love story. Oh, remember to show him which part of your neck is the most vulnerable, so he can bite you without hurting you. But who am I kidding? The pains are totally worth it. You don’t have a vampire to be your boyfriend every day.

Tips:

Don’t be afraid if people look at you as if you guys are freaks. It’s okay. Underneath that hate, there is jealousy. They are just ashamed they don’t have to courage to bring their love to the next level, like you guys

Take care of his make-up routines. It’s your job now to make sure he’s always well-groomed and germ-free. When taking off his make-up, you should make sure you hydrate him by a large amount of moisturizer, toner, night lotion etc. I know it’s hard on you, but it’s super harder on him. Be understanding and help him help you maintain the love theme, okay?

Watch a lot of vampire movies to update your knowledge. Vampire fashion revolution and their evolving  are as complex as we human are. Never live in the dark. Keep up with your good work and eventually, you will find what is the perfect style for your man and you.

Warning:

It’s difficult to have a love story like Twilight but it’s not impossible to achieve it. All you need is a decent make-up skill. a flair of style, and some unforgettable quotes. But in return, you will be pretty well-known in your community and have a love story which will keep you alive till the date you die. Oops, vampy don’t die, my bad! Therefore, it’s a very awesome trade-off.

Don’t bite people randomly. Don’t bite the people you already bit. Don’t bite animals, especially werewolves. It will create non-stop wars and tons of  movies sequel.

If you have a hard time achieve your ideal love story, even after reading this blog. Contact me at: melovevampires@fakeaccount.com and I will be more than happy to assist you. Helping you to get what you want in life is my happiness. So don’t be hesitant to get in touch! I can’t wait to hear all the juices from your romantic love life.

Until next time, stay vampy, guys!

Okay, as many of you may not know, I am the biggest joker in the world. You might not see it here, in this blog because I often write about what I deeply care in my heart. This blog represents some other aspects of my psyche, a more serious and mature Amy. But in reality, people don’t perceive me this way. I am more relaxed and chilled out in social setting. The reason why? I don’t really know. Maybe I just want them to have that kind of impression about me. Yes, I am very simple and bubbly in person. The people in real life could never guess I can be such analytical in my thoughts, and the people reading my blog could never guess I can be so goofy in reality. Well, after all, human is complex. Slowly the veil will be dropped and the real person comes out, you can just guess what is underneath that mask. But again, it is just your assumption.

Alright, how to act like a lady…or how to have a lady-like manner. Coming from me, you should appreciate it because I am the least person you come and ask for advice about how to act like a lady. Why? I grew up in a family where masculinity 6 times more overweight to femininity. I had 7 uncles and 1 aunt, then my grandma and grandpa, and last but not least me. Mind you, my grandma and my aunt have such strong personality, they acted like the guys too. Thus, growing up for me was quite fun. I looked like a boy, acted and talked like one. I was quite vulgar, outspoken, and rebellious. I just wish I had a picture of me when I was a kid for you to see. A picture speaks a thousand words. But anyways, let’s just leave the past behind since I am a lady now.

You have no idea how hard my mother trained me when she got me back to the family. You have no idea how difficult for me to act like a girl and think like one. It’s like your forcing a dog to eat cat’s food. No matter how it keeps reminding itself “I am a cat now”, deep at the core it is still a dog in nature. Yea, it was unbelievably hard if not impossible for me to change during all these years to become one great lady. However, at some slight moment, I can just forget it all and be back to the wild boyish kid that I was.

Okay, back to the topic, I know I’ve been rambling a lot and You are all dying to know my secrets of becoming a lady. Enjoy my process of being one!

How to act like a lady

First of all, you have to think like one, talk like one, and behave like one. You have to constantly tap into your awareness that You are a lady. And when you are conscious about what you are, the rest will follow. Your thoughts make your reality, remember that. Think about it days and nights, carry that concept with you whenever and wherever. It will gradually become your second nature. And when you interact with others, I know it will be awkward at first. Nevertheless, practice makes perfect. After a period of time, others will start to notice an ugly ducky you once were turned into a beautiful swan.

Don’t act on impulses. Take a few seconds to contemplate and response in a mild manner. Remember to always stay calm under pressure.

A big part of being a lady is to look after your manners. The way you laugh, eat, carry yourself should be always delicate and sophisticated. Express your character is always important but don’t be theatrical, sarcastic, or dramatic. Moderation is a must.

Keep certain things for yourself. Be personal but not too intimate. Keep a boundary but don’t be too rational, after all you are still a woman remember?

Put yourself second, others come first. It will create an impression that you have a larger than life aura. People often associate selfishness with immaturity. And when you are a lady, you should be able to master the art of selflessness and nurturing.

Be aware of the way you dress and the amount of makeup you have on you. To me, a lady is equal classy. You don’t need to be strikingly beautiful to be a lady. Thus, stop spending too much time to perfect your look. Instead, a lady is known for her virtues and morality. Improve these characteristic in you.

Be confident with what you have and implement it. Forget about what you don’t. Remember, we can’t have everything. So, it’s best when you work on what you got and make it your brand.

Never ever complaint or scold about your life or others. It will make you look like you have no control of your life or appear bitter.

Whatever happens, don’t yell/cry/challenge others when being mistreated. Smile and walk away.

Tips:

Observe observe observe.

Don’t stay ignorant! You must read, watch and learn from times to times. A true lady, to me, is one with great knowledge and honor. You should always educate yourself in a lot different aspects of life. You don’t need to know everything in-depth, but you should know the essence of it.

Nurture your femininity side. Intuition is one of a woman’s strength. Get a hold of it!

Be proud of your womanly and embrace it!

Know who you are,  and what your strengths and weaknesses are.

Have you heard the line: “I love the sound of her listening to me?” Listening doesn’t mean you are impotent in speech. It means you care. Silence can do wonder to the soul. Do that as much as you can.

Warning:

Sometimes, under special circumstances, you need to put your lady image aside to get things done. Ie: doing the guys’ works such as fixing the car or protect your loved ones, or being confrontational if you have no choice. The key word is be flexible. After all, it’s just the image. You can put it on and get it off your face. Your essence is imprinted in your heart. You know what you are, and you don’t need anyone’s approval for being you. Also, everyone has a different way to show their lady-like image. You don’t need to follow anyone’s footstep. You are the king of your kingdom and you have a choice of accessing your inner womanly.

The process of becoming a lady is a life long one. It can not be done in one day. Therefore, constantly remind you that there are a lot of things you need to cover before you can be one. Guys, becoming human is hard, becoming a lady is even harder. To you girls, don’t ever disrespect the woman in you. Appreciate you and others will too. To the guys out there, love us and cherish us because we are God’s gift to you. I know it is a difficult job and you can just imagine.

Imagine thousands of voices loiter in your head at the same time, how does it feel? Can you function at all?

It was the situation I was in a few days ago. I realized that my mind is not only my own best friend, but also my worst enemy. I don’t think I have any disorder as I may worry. It is just my anxiety that drives me aimlessly to some random path. I was lost in a big ocean, all I saw was dark water. I couldn’t see my destination and it freaked me out. I was flowing…

And I waited so long for dawn to come. It never came. There I was, panic and filled of anxiety. Nothing seemed to cheer me up. Everywhere I went, it reminded me of the darkness inside of me. Dawn never came. Now when I look back, I just want to come to me and tell me that, everything will turn out fine and I don’t need to worry. I just need to have a little faith in myself and smile a little more.

I want to me to remember that I need to stay focus and I don’t need to run away…I want me to remember that everyone has their moment and it’s okay to feel down. It’s normal and I don’t need to be afraid. I need me to know that when I am worried, I miss out on a lot of good things life offers me. Because when I am worried, my mind isn’t here anymore. It escapes to far away land and leaves me behind. I want me to understand that my mind isn’t everything, I still have my heart and soul. Without it, I am still me and I can be happy.

Until my mind comes back…

In all my life, I am always scared of being deprived from happiness and joys. Maybe it’s time to let go of all the nonsensical thoughts. Sadness is as important as joy. Human emotion is beautiful and precious. It’s okay to feel you in a different state, I guess. But I know that I am at my best when I totally let go of myself and free me from my thoughts. My thoughts are helpful but it can also be overwhelming. I am at my best when there is no noise inside of me. There is only one voice. And that voice is from my heart. So I think everyone will be at their best when they can connect with their inner guidance. I can do it and so can You.

A lot of love from me,

Sing you a lullaby, about a beautiful tree in the forest

Green as best, and a blueness of the sky

Free your mind, and let your soul rest

In peace.

Sing you a lullaby, of the river running gently under the tree

meandering around these rocks

flowing in shapeless form

becoming one with nature

dissolving in other streams

Sing you a lullaby

Oh, I sing you a song

of childhood

No one did, so now I do

for you, alone.

Let the inner child be safe, and well care taken

No one did, so now I will sing for you

Alone.

Now we all sing the lullaby,

The only cure for the night.

  I will hold your hands in the dark

Come out and play with me

Dawn will come

Soon.

The Moon has come, and so we met

The night wasn’t dark and neither were our souls

This time, as so many times before, I went back to the state of mind where I couldn’t be my usual self. It wasn’t necessarily a bad thing. I have learned so much about myself through you and others. No, I wasn’t sad at all. I was happy inside because I realized that no matter how terrible everything seems, it will pass. I waited for so long to get the answer from you, now I have found it.

Sometimes, things go backward, so we can see how much we have changed and what we have become. I talked and shared but kept certain things for myself. Sometimes, things are better left unsaid. One year, four seasons, this Fall isn’t the same anymore.

Isn’t it easier to believe what you hear?

Isn’t it better to just let go of yourself and enjoy the moment?

I have enough memories of yours in my heart and so they stay. I smile. I thank Life for bringing me beautiful gifts from the past. Tomorrow may never come but these memories will stay forever present with me.

There will be no more confusion, anxiety, analyses from me. I have caught the rhythm of Life. I really enjoyed the twists and unexpected surprises from it. That is all I need. Simple as it sounds, I am at peace and filled with content. I hope you too. I have completed my dues and all was said and done. We finally ended a happy note, as we always have hoped. Now, things will be proceeded as it should be.

There is no struggle, it is always love. There is no competition, it is just about misunderstanding. There is no sadness, it is just a reflection of one on another. There is no holding back, it is just a belief of one is the best for the other.

I have finally said my last prayer for you, and for me.

The Moon has come, and now it set behind dark cloud.

Waiting for sunshine,

for a better day

and tomorrow sure is a better day.

Dear me,

First of all, I want to remind you how wonderful You are in my eyes. Although You have yet known, I will let you see, in a later day. Let’s just forget about the past. What has been done, has been done. What happened, happened. You can’t remember much anyway, so just let it go. For those who have hurt You, You don’t need to think about it. You do not need to do anything to prove for your innocence. They will know, people will see for themselves. Life will work its magical way to put people exactly in their place. Sooner or later, Truth will unfold. But You know what, i can’t wait for it to happen. The Judgement Day is when people have nowhere to run, but face themselves. It will be your biggest victory, and yes, their greatest punishment.

I know you are in great pains and nasty betrayal, but let me tell you, it is just a part of life. People somehow come to your life to teach you very simple lessons. No matter how close you use to be, how much you used to share, how much you trusted each other, they can’t help but show you how they truly are. Regardless of consequences, they are still willing to teach you by so many ways, including disturbing methods. When you think about it, they are not bad at all. Their courage to put you down are actually bringing you up, to where you should be, and whom you will become.

Dear me,

I know you feel alone. But I am always here to cheer you up in the dark nights of the soul. In your journey, You faced all the terrors and challenges, but You have passed them all so far. I am so proud of You. Keep doing the great work of being You. For they who don’t cherish You, or toss You aside, it’s their fault. But You know You are so much better than what they can imagine.

You are not at fault for your childhood misfortunes. You are not at fault for all your family downfalls. It’s the result of bad leadership, and we all know who is to blame for. It’s not your fault for your mother’s two failed marriages. You are not here to be  blamed for all her deceits and infidelity. You are nothing but a naive little daughter who trusted her with all your heart. And she came back blaming You for all these thing? First of all, she is not worth it. Secondly, as a mother blames on her kids and family, she is obviously not happy. Her unhappiness drives her to the point of no return. She did what she did to maintain her image, but she doesn’t look around. Same tricks, same strategies, who would have cared less? Who would have listened? She doesn’t respect herself, why would You? She went on spreading rumors about You, I know you are angry. I would. However, You did write her a letter of love and forgiveness which I didn’t really know why You did. But You did it and I let You do it, because I know You would feel better. You proved to me that You are a much better person than I had thought You were. You have a big heart, little one! In such pains and emotional turmoil, You still could manage to give her a way to come back to Your heart. She, then, used it as an excuse to break You even more. I can see how it go and how it is played out in her head. But You don’t need to worry, I am here to catch your fall. I promise You, this time, no one will hurt You ever again.

Your mom is a big part of You. I know with all these things she has done, You still love her unconditionally. But compassion doesn’t mean you turn a blind eye on her again. She is what she is. She has done it a million times on people, and now it’s your turn. There is no difference, you see. She has no boundary and you, to her, are just like so many others. What can break her to pieces and is ready for a transformation is almost impossible. She is a sick individual, and she needs help – professional help. I know You want to help, but it’s not in your responsibility anymore. When people refuse your help, it’s their choice. You have to let it go. She has a choice, and she has made up her mind. You need to make yours. So much attachment sinks you down! You are free to go now. Let live, Amy!

But i see that it’s come to the end of her day when she deliberately let people move on with their lives. The blindfold has been dropped for the first time, and Oh, how hurt the Truth is! But at the same time, it is so profound what You have seen. I felt like the prisoner breaking out of my chains, stepping outside in an early morning, and breathing the fresh air full of life. Yes this life is for You to discover. You are no longer a girl who looks for her mom’s approval on everything. You are free from this point on. And You know you are worth it. And You will survive. It’s part of our life journey; it’s our identity; it’s our mission to figure out what our role in the world is. It can be terrifying, but I am in it with You.

There is so much more I want to say, but I will reveal to You in some later days.

I love you,

Your dearest.

Who tells you at what age you should fall in love? No one. And when you love someone deeply at the age of 10, you find the world more beautiful and colorful just like adults at any age. But young love to me is even more interesting and intense. Because, at such age, you are more in touch with your feelings and not affected by your personality. Adults, on the other hand, after a trial of errors and failures, they tend to apply their thoughts and rational mind in almost anything. This is when love isn’t pure and meaningful as it is supposed to be. In love, you are not the person you thought you are, but another version of you; and that person to me, is the person who you really are. When you, as a mature person, experience such wonderful discover, you have a need to run away from it, because just like million people out there, you are afraid to face you. We are trained by experiences that we shouldn’t be who we are, but the person we are expected to be. We, sadly, live in the world where people are counterfeited and delusional about themselves and all the things which were made up in their environment. Thus, as a result, you ought to put a mask on like anybody else. Children, nevertheless, have yet mastered the art of deception and they don’t see the need of it. This is why their love is the “totally true love”

“Totally true love”  (or Jørgen + Anne = sant), directed by Anne Sewitsky, is an original and masterpiece of a love tale of a 10-year-old Norwegian girl. There is so much to talk about this movie. But for your sake, i will not lay out all the details because it will ruin such an amazing experience for which you should watch and discover yourself. I knew i would want to watch it by the time i watch the trailer. I am known as a girl who loves foreign films because they have not failed me, not even once. Their movies sometimes are very simplistic and not overly focusing on the heavy subjects. However, the deep messages are laid underneath subtly for you to see, that is art can come from many forms. And sometimes, meanings are channeled throughout so cleverly that it takes a great effort to see the beauty behind these simple contexts. Isn’t it ironic? I think it’s because we all tend to over-analyze and complicate everything, so now, the first step to be in touch with our feelings is to simplify the complexity. Then, we will see things for what they really are.

Simplify the complexity to me has such a profound meaning. Because things can be simple, but carry a deep meaning to it. And when they are put in such a way that is deliberately perplexing in order to be meaningful, it may not be deep at all.

Thus, a 10-year-old falls in love, what is so special about it? Just like you, my first reaction when i heard about this film was, “Oh, give me a break! What do they know about love?” How wrong i was! Because now i think, they understand it a lot more than I do. I love how children in this movie interpret love in their very own terms. From their innocent eyes, everything seems magical and heavenly in love. They will do anything to show the person they are in love with how deeply they fall for them. Yes, they still have insecurity and fears, but they manage to fight to the last course to win the significant others. They don’t play games. They knows their flaws and try to overcome it. In love, they shine.

I love all the characters in the movies, especially Anne and Beate. Their friendship makes me so envious, because i haven’t had any close girlfriend like that. I wonder if they are really best friends in real life. Wonderful young actors!  Anne learned at the end that if an adult tells her it’s not true when she falls in love at her age, it’s because they don’t know anything about love. Because, love can come to you at anytime, anywhere, if you are ready! It happens because you allow it to. It happens because you can.

This month, all the posts are very random, that I know. This one is just another post in this aspect. I realized that I am a very impulsive person. I could have just thought about it and I didn’t have to write it at all, but I think it’s okay to put it out there. I need some perspective in this matter. I consider this flaw is quite serious.

I am often perceived as a nice and friendly person. I sometimes am a push-over. I maintain a certain flow in me, and that flow is harmony, and peace. In order to keep things to be in that way, I have to keep my opinion for myself. I do not want to offend people at all. I let them do/say whatever they want, and I do not get involved too much. All I give is love and understanding. However, when things are out of hand, which means that strategy doesn’t work anymore, but makes them worse, I would become a totally different version of myself. And to be frank, I don’t want you to experience that.

What happens is this, I would explode and say things which are, in their perspective, quite hurtful  to people. It doesn’t mean I insult them or call them names or being mean. But in my offend, I say what i really think about them or the matter. It can be a shock to people regarding to their opinions about me prior the shock. Maybe I destroyed their illusion, and no one wants their dreams to be broken. Now, they get another image of mine and to me, that fragment comes out to control the situation. I, then, will feel extremely terrible about it and I would come back to them being extra nice to compensate for what I had done. I hate it when I make people feel bad. Some prey on it and then, suddenly another explosion occurs, once again.

I don’t like this circle. What I learned about the whole situation is maybe, I wasn’t being honest with myself. I should have just given them my most honest thought. Because, when something is being suppressed for so long, it will creep out on the surface. Sooner or later, it will happen. And when I decide to stick with something, I will have to commit to it. I can’t go back and forth.  Self-knowledge is a term that people often take for granted and getting to know one’s self a very long and hard process. It’s true that when one can be able to know one’s self, he can master everything. I admit that the road to self-development is still a long procedure for me. Sometimes, I do not know who I am and I am far from knowing me.

Hurtful words should be left unsaid. But I did it yesterday. Surprisingly, I was sort of okay when I did it. But today, I am not. I felt so horrible. If I were such a nice person, I wouldn’t say it at all. If I were a developed person as I had thought, I should do it the other way. But I did it.

Don’t ever make others feel bad as you feel bad, it’s a selfish thing to do. I learned. In that impulsion, everything was set aside. I did what I thought I should, although I knew it was useless. The person isn’t there yet; she isn’t ready to accept it. Why would I do such thing? Why couldn’t i let it slide? Why did I try so hard to open up her eyes? It was useless what I did.

Yes, my intention was genuine but it wasn’t smart. I wanted to break her to pieces, so she can be a whole brand new person. Well, as I can see now, it is quite impossible. Sometimes, I think that we are all infants in a big womb of the Earth. When we are ready, we will be born. Lots of trails and lessons are out there to help us attain such achievement. No, I don’t want to remain as an infant. I want to be born and I want to grow, into a true human.

But the question is, when will I?